I'm not a religious person. Spiritual yes but not religious. I believe in an universal consciousness and it is this that binds us all together. Eckhart Tolle explains this better than I ever will be able to. I mention this not to create a debate about religion but to give perspective of where I am coming from. I couldn't help but see the tiniest metaphor with Easter and some events in my life.
April 30th is my last day in the Navy. This isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But right now it feels like the only thing that matters. I've been preparing for this for the past year. I'm actually very well prepared for this transition or so I thought. Surprisingly, I'm not as prepared emotionally as I thought. I feel pretty scared deep down. There is a lot of uncertainty in my future. Everything that happens from this point on is a direct result of me.
The past few days I have been very stressed. Do we stay here in SoCal? Can the farm afford to hire me? If they can't what do we do? We need to find a cheaper place to live. Are we really ready to take off and move to TN? Then out of nowhere and completely unexpected I became depressed. I mean I've been wanting to get out for as long as I can remember. Never actually doing it till now and here I am depressed? What gives?
The Navy has been a huge part of my life. It's the only real professional career that I have known. It defines you. I don't think that any job should define you but the military does. Here I am now without an identity. At least that is how I felt emotionally.
I met an incredible person yesterday. Everyone was telling me that she was an incredible person but I'm skeptical of such things. I had met her briefly once before but we never really talked. Yesterday was our first encounter in-depth. She is one of those types of people who talks and moves a lot. And it can seem, at first, she's not listening to you. You get asked a question but you're not given enough time to respond. I was totally getting frustrated. Then I saw her interact with the customers and she was engaging them. The first word that came to my mind was eccentric. I'm not that bubbly of a person. I've actually become a little shy in the past year. Meek even. Don't get me wrong I'll talk to anyone but usually only after I have been talked to.
It was at the height of my frustration and listening to my inner voice criticize everything that a little speck of common sense popped in. This woman is co-owner of one of the most successful small farms in SoCal. Her farm is known in farming circles, community activist circles, and foodie circles. And she's done this in a little over 2 years. This woman can teach you how to run your farm. This woman knows what she is talking about. It was then that I let go of my old way of thinking. From that point on I fully understood her and I understood what I was doing.
Last night I was contemplating how I interact with people. There must be a dark spot on my heart. Because I don't try to build connections with people as much as I think I do. Why don't I open up and talk to people? And deep down I still judge. I hate that about myself. I guess the reality is that I am selfish with my feelings. I don't think I need to be all bubbly but I do need have more empathy.
But the beauty of it all is that I see that. And who I want to be is only a matter of me being just that. I have control over how I wish to react to a certain situation. I have control over how my life measures up to my expectations. Life is about building relationships. They can be between people, between animals, between land and possessions. They are even between ourselves - our internal struggles. Those relationships each have their own values that we give them. It is up to each of us to prioritize those relationships then nurture them accordingly.
I am choosing to strengthen all those relationships. I'm not scared anymore. I'm still uncertain about the future but I am kind of excited about it. We all have the ability to change our lives for the better every day. We tend to look for some major event that can signify that shift. It's just not every day one of those events come along and I think this is what causes stagnation for us all. Luckily my event came along. And I'm not going to waste it being scared, depressed, or unwilling to build relationships and truly live.
Happy Easter to those that celebrate it.
